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As a person who used to be afraid to speak up in front of a crowd, and just flat-out being guilty of changing my personality in order to fit in, I’m here to say this:
Let’s all get real.
Love it or hate it, HERE’S THE REAL ME!
Being a functional alcoholic for the past 13 years (basically since I was 21) I have managed to keep my current job of 11 years.
I have managed to stay in decent physical shape, managed to maintain good friends and I’ve managed to be a good father.
I considered myself to be a fairly handsome man and was an overall pretty nice and friendly guy.
I looked great from THE OUTSIDE.
But on the inside I was battling some serious demons.
It took me a very very long time to realize this.
I struggled with anxiety, lack of self-worth and even insomnia. My feelings and emotions looked something like a roller coaster ride at six flags.
I would be happy, sad, and angry all within the same 10 minute span.
I would drink alcohol every free opportunity I had in attempt to cover up all the pain that I was holding inside.
I have cheated on my ex-wife and my ex-girlfriend multiple times.
These are by far the things I regret the most.
All of these negative thoughts, feelings, emotions, and actions all resulted in me not being REAL with myself or what I like to call “LOVING MYSELF.”
A lot of this has to do with some traumatic childhood experiences that took place which I’m now learning to understand, but 99.9999% of this bullshit was completely my fault.
So finally all this crap caught up to me and I had had enough.
I was fed up with feeling great one day and the next like a completly different person.
I was tired of all the lying and the self-sabotage.
I was tired of hurting all the dearest people in my life.
I was tired of holding all this negativity inside of me.
I was tired of living in fear and regret.
So one day I asked myself this one question: “WHY”
Why did I keep repeating so many negative things when deep down inside my heart I knew I was a loving and thoughtful man?
Of course at the time I didnt know the answer to this question but it put me on some sort of a mission I would say.
I would think that years and years of couples and personal therapy that I would have figured this all out by now.
So a few weeks later while I was taking a shower it just came to me.
After all the years of drinking, being afraid of others people opinions, and hurting others, it all stemmed from one thing:
Me not accepting myself for who I really was!
I was so ashamed of my past and was so afriad to admit it all but for what?
I will always remember this moment and consider it the turning point of my life.
So now here I am.
A 34 year old man who is blessed beyond measures in so many ways.
A man who has accepted the fact that he has made mistakes but has the power within himself to guarantee the past will not repeat itself.
A father who no longer drinks alcohol in attempt to bandaid his acceptance he was so strongly seeking from others.
A person who has accepted the fact that no matter what he says or does that it will not always please every single person out there.
A guy who realizes that he can not be or will never be able to become perfect.
This is me.
The real me.
Please don’t ever feel the desire to do something outside of what your heart tells you to do in order to “fit in.”
Please don’t be afraid to speak up in front of a crowd because your scared of other peoples reactions.
Please don’t hurt the people who love you the most.
And please never self-sabotage yourself.
It will all come back to you I promise you this.
Their are 1000’s of websites and other resources that can help you accept yourself for who you are.
You can even send me an email, or leave a comment if you feel the need to just talk about a few things. I am no person to judge you whatsoever I promise you this.
Be Real, because the real you is beautful.
Humbly written by Chris McDaniel